After reading one of my favorite blogs, Julieland, which today is somewhat pertaining to Release and Healing, I feel the need to express something I find rare. Like the many comments on the internets concerning the lack of follow-up on the recent Rapture Fiasco I also notice a lack of info concerning the end stage of healing.
Recently I've been cloistered and processing a lot of pain concerning my childhood. Yesterday I sat on my bed and thought to myself, "Now what?" And you know what? My answer was, 'Life'. There was no lingering melancholy or simmering anger or hopelessness attached to the word. For the first time in awhile there wasn't anything attached to the word. It was the emotional equivelant of waking up slowly on a Sunday morning. It was...I was... just...okay.
In going over it all I realized that there comes a moment when you're okay. That is shocking to me. Not that I've never been okay or felt good or even great about something that once hurt. Just that somewhere along the line I learned the sneaky insidious thought that healing was a lifelong battle. As I sat there hearing my mind go over it I was surprised at my own okayness. This wasn't the first time I'd dealt with the pain and residual of childhood trauma. This wasn't the first time I'd had those memories and hidden wounds pulled out into the light of day by some experience. This wasn't the first time I'd had to stop everything and just concentrate on that weeping little girl inside. This. Wasn't. The. First. Time.
But it may be the last time I have to weep from that particular wound. It feels healed. Not it's-okay-forever-and-nothing-is-wrong-with-the-world healed. Instead it is like the knobby soft shiny bit of scar on my knee from when I had that bloody battle with a coffee table when I was 8, healed. It's a part of me. It doesn't hurt anymore. It's a interesting story to tell. And it feels a little weird when I poke it and squeeze it between my fingers.
So I guess what I'm saying is...Today, I'm okay.
2 comments:
I think that "okay" should get much higher ratings! Like a star on that sidewalk in front of the Chinese theatre or something. It is a hugely under-rated feeling.
Yay for your being OKAY!!! Let LIFE commence!
Julie
(aw, thanks for that nice praise too)
Yay for being okay!! :-) Yes apparently I have overlooked this amazing feeling. Life! Yippee! lol
And you are very welcome for the praise you deserve it. I may not always come out of lurkdom to say anything but I check your blog almost every day. Mostly just to check in with what you and your tribe are up to but sometimes with the bonus of a message seemingly tailor made just for me. Today's card spoke to me and for that I can only humbly say thank you!
Post a Comment