The Poet

The poet is the journalist for the spirit world. - Metaphor in Basho's Haiku Jane Reichhold

Flight

Since the title represents many things and traditionally many years I will keep it though the original year of change is long since passed. Today I'm preparing for travel and imagining my soul in flight.

April Challenge

I will participating in NaPoWriMo a poetry writing month challenge... here's the link...

http://katphoenixsnowyapril.blogspot.com/

LIGHTBRINGER......

No Expectations

Just thinking about expectations. Was thinking about how when I was a small child I wanted to be a lawyer and a firefighter and a doctor. All at the same time. Writing that I realized that I've always wanted to save people.  :-D

Anyway, when the thought came to me, I had one of those imaginary conversations I often have with myself. This imaginary person asked me, 'Who did you tell? Did you tell your parents?'. I thought about it and realized that I couldn't remember who I told that it probably wasn't my parents who were divorced and had issues themselves. I thought of how it was kinda clear from dealing with them that they weren't really interested in me or whatever idea I had come up with. I'm thinking of my mothers habit of telling me to 'look it up' when I asked questions or her shocked and slightly suspicious reaction when I said things that were above me (or her ability to explain to me).

I finally thought to the imaginary person, that I told someone and the imaginary person asked 'What did they say?' and I replied 'They laughed. They thought it was cute.' Hmm. I went on to remember that I thought my friends weren't interested since they were pretty ambition-less at the time. I mean we were about 6 or 7 years old. They were just kids. Note the word they. 

This all brought about the thought of expectations and that I've never had any from others. I was never expected to do or be anything. I also wasn't expected to ruin my life (end up in jail or poverty or hurt or dead). Well, except much later in life, by my mother who has in her late middle age, become fear personified. Even then it was mostly a vague sort of fear of being hurt emotionally or left alone. It is basically her projecting her fears onto me. I was never expected to do anything amazing either: no Nobel Prize or MegaRich CEO or President or Saint. There were just no expectations at all. Like I was not there. 

This last thought is what prompted me to come write about it. It's like I've always been a bit invisible. Only thought of, or about, in direct relation to someones personal issues or life, when physically present. Expectations require thought and concern unconnected to one's own life or if they are negative expectations they are reactions to fears stemming from ones own actions and behaviors. 

As for me, I wonder if it's too late to me to come up with my own expectations for myself. I've always felt a disinterest in; fame, fortune, or glory.  I've always thought that was the foundation for my lack of ambition. Perhaps it was just an internalized marginalization and I've a need to develop some expectations of my own.

Solution Oriented

So it seems I've learned a new thing about myself today. I'm Solution Oriented. 

"...concentrating on the solution is a much more positive activity than concentrating on the problem. Turning one's attention to potential answers is more fun and gratifying than getting sucked into the downward spiral of pity that nearly always goes with concentrating on the problem. Even if a solution isn't readily apparent, just the act of searching for one is an activity that will always get your mind away from the problem itself."

It all started with the used computer I bought recently that arrived yesterday. I mentioned in an earlier post that i bought a used computer but that one died after one day so I had to send it back. While waiting for my refund and feeling really blue about the whole fiasco, I decided to risk it all and buy another. It arrived yesterday after much hand wringing and pacing. 

Well the newest one had Vista installed. VISTA! Vista. Sigh. All day yesterday and most of the day today was spent in abject frustration and searching. I won't go into a long diatribe concerning Microsoft (my Mac died which precipitated all this) or VISTA ( I hate it. Nuf said.). I will say that the other options at this point in the whole computer mess were many. None of them being the simple, 'take it out of the box and use it', option I actually wanted. So. I finally decided to 'downgrade' to XP and with minimal tinkering, Voila!, it works great. I'm up late customizing my desktop on my speedy working computer and I feel like dancing in the streets or at least singing in the shower. 

All this just reminds me that despite my trials I am essentially Solution Oriented. I wasn't deeply unhappy about all of this; even during the, "return computer and I still don't have a working computer", phase. The joy showed up though when I solved both the main and subsequent problems. Actual Joy. Dancing, Smiling, laughing aloud, warm feelings JOY! Wow. Just imagine if the problem I solved was spiritual or emotional instead of technical. What would that joyful result be like?

Self Imagining

I have no self-image. I've never had one. It's never really been a problem. Only when enduring 'self-help' in some form or when trying to remember the past usually for 'self-help' reasons does it ever become an issue. I don't have one now. If you asked me what I looked like today (or yesterday for that matter) I could only describe what I'm wearing or the particular style (if there is one) of my hair. Cold hard facts I can give you. Anything else is both irrelevant and unknown to me. I thought of all this this morning when while sitting out on the deck sunning and thinking about writing a morning blog post I realized that my shoulders were pretty tense and wondered for a brief moment whether my neck had shrunk. Then I got a blurry half formed image in my mind from a picture of me from my teenage years where apparently I was ALL neck. I was that gangly one with the swan like neck. Or so everyone else said, because at the time I had no 'image' of myself in my head. When I looked in the mirror I just saw me, a person. Not particularly one thing or another, not fat, not tall, not swan-like; just . . . me.


I didn't have the 'self-imaging' ability back then either. I had plenty of self-imagining ability. I could come up with whole worlds full of experiences I was going to have. Usually involving a bright red convertible and my completely fabulous friends and outer space. But as to what I mentally looked like, in reality or fantasy, the picture in my head was always a blurry indistinct picture. 


Through the years with the self help guru/ pop culture/ pop-psychology  paradigm shift and media influences I've heard many times that I was 'supposed' to have a self image and that it had better be good or else. If I didn't,  I would live a life full of misery and suicidal tendencies that would be my own fault for not 'believing' in myself. I dismissed all that mostly cause it never really bothered ME that I didn't have one and since that also meant that I didn't have a 'bad one', I figured it was okay. I've never looked into a mirror and saw something I really didn't like even when at age 20 I developed acne for the first time long after everyone else had gotten past it. I just tended to just make crazy faces and lean in real close to 'zoom' the zit to mutant monster proportions and come up with evil scientist monologues for it. Then depending on my mood I would take pictures of it and send it to my friends and family titled - "Introducing the newest member of the family". 


As for my body I thought it was great except when it came to buying clothes (or hugging) as I've mentioned before. It curved where it was supposed to, it dipped where it was supposed to, and in general did what it was supposed to do which was carry around my massive consciousness and act out various schemes and plans my mind came up with. Now here, all late in the game, I wonder if I should go ahead and develop one. It's mostly just a mental exercise though because I still make faces in the mirror (and yes still suffer from occasional acne) and still generally like what my body can do when I tell it to. Besides, why commit myself to one possibly erroneous viewpoint (image) when I can imagine so much more...