Important Things

Over on one of my favorite blogs, Things in the Skye, Skye did a list of the 4 or 5 most important things. She asked us to come up with our own. Here's what I came up with.

1. Pleasure: I find in contemplating what is important to me that this is the hardest and most honest thing I could come up with. It's hard because society, home training, and such expressly forbid this being on the list no less at the top. Yet if I am honest about who I am this has got to be the apex and starting point for everything else. Pleasure is what it's all about for me. Whether it's the cool sweet scent of honeysuckle, or the almost physical tickle of a stranger's baby's laugh, the warmth of sunshine on my skin mixed with a cool swipe of breeze, or that catlike stretch when you first wake up, it's all pleasure for me. Sitting here in my little room at my little desk I realize it's still about the pleasure. The different patterns and colors at play in my window shade as I stare into space thinking up these words constitute a pleasure. The ticktick of the keyboard and the burst of light and joy when the idea appears or the turn of phrase comes out just right is a pleasure. A conversation with my brother that is filled with laughter and sometimes tears is a pleasure. For me almost everything contains a  portion of pleasure inherent. Sometimes I notice it and sometimes I don't but it's always there and I always want it. If left to myself I instinctively seek it, usually after finding someone to come along and have some too. Maybe I'm just a closeted Hedonist philosopher along the lines of Michel Defray, who defines hedonism as an introspective attitude to life based on taking pleasure yourself and pleasuring others, without harming yourself or anyone else. Dunno, but it's got to be at the top of my list. 

As for the rest of my list it mimics Skye's so closely that I think I'll just steal hers. Below is an altered version of her list with an added number five. I juggled the positions and to each description added a bit. I love Skye and I love cut&paste! :-D

2. Love & Friendship: having close friends to talk with, having friends to do things with, having people to love and share my life (and pleasure) with, having a romantic relationship to encapsulate all of the above.

3. Freedom: Being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it, not being tied to an 8 to 5, commuting, unsatisfying-job existence (and getting burnt-out, and getting sick — again). Being able to do work that I think is fun, being able to work wherever I want to work. Having time and energy for my important things. I'd have to add Compassion & Giving to my freedom. To me these are a part of freedom. I can't be or even feel free if I can't be compassionate (hence not ever working corporate again) or feel like I'm giving something to the situation or person.

4. Creating: Writing, drawing & painting, knitting, singing, dancing, etc. To me creativity is so much more than producing. For example, when I dance I feel like those swishes or bends or turns are unique. As if those particular movements set to that particular music is just me just at that moment regardless of whether there is anyone there to see them or not. The same goes for every other creative thing I do.

5. Learning: I love to learn. I love to teach because that often is the best way to learn. Books, conversations, media, library, Google, jobs and especially travel are all just me learning. I think this is some sort of essential ingredient in my soul. It may not even belong on this list because it's not important to me it IS me, I do it instinctively.

So that is my 5 Important Things. The best part was thinking about it all. Sometimes we don't 'see' ourselves, even someone as introspective as I can be. After writing this I kinda like what I see. Thanks Skye!

Transmissions from a storm

You know how you hear those recordings of radio transmissions from ships or planes in a storm and they are staticky and incomplete? Well this is one of those transmissions. A bit broken up and filled with staticky pauses that are sure to be filled with pertinent information. Well this life thing ain't no joke. If it is it's one of those had to be there kind of jokes. :-D *crackle crackle* Many things have occurred and been overcome, endured, learned from or just ignored and it's only been a couple of weeks since I last posted! Some of the things I need to talk about are Loss and acceptance of change.

*crackle crackle*

Recently my last good friend here in the city where I live has moved away. She moved very far away to a different country. While leaving the country permanently isn't typical leaving this city seems to be the trend. It is exorbitantly expensive here in flagrant opposition to the current financial climate of the entire country. So despite being a native of this place she and her entire family (parents included) have gone. Leaving me here trying to figure out exactly where I'm going and why I'm still here. I miss her.

*crackle crackle*

Change. It's such a scary sort of word. This part of change is the worst for me. It's the right in the middle struggling along, can't see the outcome, turbulent time of change. The part where you can't tell yet if it's all going to turn out the way you thought and you can't even  be sure you're doing it right. It's getting exciting though! So for all three of you that check in here I stopped in to say- "Hi! I'm Fine! Stand back and watch out for the metamorphic ectoplasm I'm splashing about! See you on the other side!" *crackle crackle*

Rinse...Repeat

I'm afraid is another random thought day. No grand wisdom or witty repartee seems to be forthcoming. As for the title I am thinking of things I do over and over. Over on the Bettyverse everyBetty was listing movies or books that they read or watch compulsively. You know the ones where you know all the lines and still get that little hitch in your chest right before the big scene. Also they brought up that there was obviously something we're getting out of it. Some release or emotional payoff because a lot of the time this habit manifests when we are stressed, tired, or in some situation that is less than stellar.

It started for me right before my divorce. I was 22 years old, 900 miles from home and family for the first time, married to a Navy man who of course was only there sometimes and when he was we were not doing well. I spent a lot of nights and days alone. So I found myself watching Twister as a bedtime ritual. I still to this day love this movie. I've watched it more than 50 times but if it comes on T.V. I will still get excited and watch it as if it's the first time. I've never really examined the why of it and I'm not at all sure I want to now. Yet, for you, good followers of the Blog, I will.

Twister is a movie about last chances. That's the way it always seems to me. It's about a last chance at Love. The two leads are divorcing scientists, one of which is moving on and the other is holding on silently. They also have worked on a project with their friends for a long time and finally have the opportunity for a last ditch effort to make it work. I think that if I had to pick one scene, it would have to be the homecoming scene.  In the scene, the scientists are chasing a tornado storm system when they take a break at the female lead's Aunt's house. They are all there and they are reminiscing about the 'good old days' of storm-chasing, when Jo retreats to take a shower and her Aunt corners her to talk.

Aunt Meg: He didn't keep his part of the bargain, did he?
Jo: Which part?
Aunt Meg: To spend his life pining for you, and die miserable and alone.
Jo: Is that too much to ask? 

Now looking at all this I wonder what exactly this meant (and probably still means) for me. There are other memorable scenes for me but this one strikes deep and has always been what I think of when I think of this movie.  Sitting here pondering I still can't quite come up with a logical (or emotional) tie in. I 'know' it's there but I can't quite get at it.

Rereading the quote and remembering the scene it comes to me that the entire movie seems to revolve around the male lead 'coming back'. The Aunt says that 'Bill always went his own way which was usually whatever way you were going.' And you get the feeling that at some point he stopped and left her to go another way. By the end of the movie he is once again 'going her way'. He went off to build a new life that it turns out wasn't really a life he wanted. So he ends up back in the life that suits him and she is there, not waiting exactly, but continuing in the direction they had both originally set out in. I think maybe that is the key for me. At that point in life I was hoping deep down inside that my husband would 'come back' emotionally and once again be going 'my way'. I was also living a life that didn't suit me. I think the 'Navy Wife' is possibly the worst role ever for me. It plays upon all my strengths (loyalty, strength of will, intelligence, imagination and a need for family and community) and weaknesses (isolation, martyrdom, helplessness, disdain for authority, trust issues, and most of all control issues) in a way that is just destined to fail. So sitting alone in a strange town on a dark night while my husband was 'off' somewhere I really felt this. I felt he hadn't kept his part of the bargain to love me more than anything or anyone else and I was left behind and alone continuing a life I didn't want hoping he would one day join me.

Honestly I think that I have been rinsing and repeating ever since. I've since  built lives with other men only to find that in the end either they went in another direction without me or that the life itself was what they wanted not me and I only got to be there if I conformed to the life. So I guess right now I'm continuing on the path I've built in the hopes that one day there will be a man that can keep his promise to Love me regardless of which way we're going.

A Little 'Light' Dusting

Well, will you just look at all the dust in here. :-D For those just joining in I left a comment over on JulieLand about an email I got. The email concerned an rare interview with Social and Spiritual Reformer of India, Sathya Sai Baba who I've since learned has passed on. Here's an excerpt of the interview...

There is not more evil…there is “more light”, and that is what I’m talking about on this message. Imagine that you have a room or warehouse where for years you have been storing your things and is lit by a 40 watt bulb. Change the bulb to a 100 watt and you will see what happens. You will see the mess and the dust you didn’t think existed. The dirt will be clearer…

 Well. Well. Here on the Year of The Phoenix I've been talking about stuff I'm going through and feeling and quite a lot of it has been metaphorically 'dirty' just like I said on the front page. And for the past couple of weeks I've been wondering and worrying about why after all this time here on the brink of what feels like a great change in me and my life everything looks so...icky, so dark, so sad. And then Julie's card said, 'Listen, the answer's coming.' and I did. And I received this email. 

For years I've been storing things, not just painful sad things but All The Things!* Here in the Year of The Phoenix I've changed my light bulb and I'm looking around and...achoo!...excuse me! Kinda dusty. So I will try to shed some light on the lighter things when I can but for the most part this is my chance to Clean All The Things!* and get rid of some of the crap cluttering up my heart mind and soul to make room for the amazing things to come. For those wonderful people that are following my progress with support and kindness I say thank you and I promise it's not all dirt.... :-D

* note - Clean All The Things is from a really great website ( Hyperbole and a Half) soon to be a book that I certainly recommend for those who want a little light cleaning to counteract the dirt. Laughter is wonderful medicine.

tl;dr

Topic: attention spans, wordiness, self expression

The title means 'too long; didn't read' which is exactly what the email I just sent off was. I may have sleep deprivation to blame but really is there any excuse? Looking at it now (still sleepless), I realize it was all things I needed to say. My mind races with things I need to say whenever I get passionate about something but the fear of rejection that is expressed by this textspeak phrase has bludgeoned those passions to meek vapid mindblanked echoes.  So I refrain. Well, unless it's been 24 hrs since I've slept and I can't step away from the keyboard. So for the few intrepid souls that read this stuff (or get my emails), What'd you think? Passionate diatribe or... TL;DR? Discuss.