Wandering here and there trying to unclench...

I haven't the slightest idea what to write about. So this post will be all over the place. I'm sitting here at this computer late and I should be celebrating. I have to admit I did do a little happy dance a few minutes ago but it didn't last long and neither did the celebratory feelings. I bought a new laptop because my old one died. Next month is NaNo, so I'm already gearing up for it. The thought of being without a dedicated (as in mine) computer is deeply unappealing. So I bought myself a new one and I should be celebrating. I was for a few minutes. Now I'm again trying to unload other people's yucky negative mess.

As for the laptop well I know it doesn't sound like a big deal. It is. This is the first thing I've done for myself in almost three months. Wow! I just counted on my fingers and so much has happened in such a short amount of time. Either way my focus has been outward for that amount of time. My focus being outward for so long has taken its toll on me. I haven't noticed of course (outward focus). I am tired. Not in a good 'yay, I did it' sort of way, but in a 'Just one more step and I can rest' sort of way. Tired in a 'I'll have this glass of wine and listen to muzak until I can unclench my jaw' sort of way.

So I have a slight problem with conflict. I hate it. I didn't always hate it or maybe I was just better at it before I got all mature and stuff. No cracks about that! :-) Actually it was just easier when I had a 'temper'. What I mean is I always HAD to deal with conflict and so without a choice I did, occasionally with necessary roughness. But then I found a remedy and though that remedy worked oh so well I find that I maybe (just maybe) want a new way to deal with conflict. My method developed slowly over time. Without anger I learned to let go of negativity in all forms in myself and my life. See I learned a hard hard lesson about choosing ones life. All of ones life. I learned that you choose it all; everything from the smallest joy to the greatest tragedy. That there is always an 'opt-out'. The consequence has always turned out the same for me, it is solitude.

I can choose my friends, choose my family, choose my home, choose my job, choose my mood, choose my reactions, choose my attitude, choose it all. I can literally get rid of anything I find unacceptable. Not that it is easy, simple, or the best choice to do so. If I get sick I can choose not to be unhappy and I can choose a procedure and I can choose to wake each day with a Joi de Vivre because it may be my last. With relationships it took me a loooong time to realize this simple truth that it's MY choice. Once I did, WATCH OUT. I was choosing left and right. Getting rid of all the toxic people I had surrounded myself with and standing firm and resolute in the choices. No matter how lonely, how isolated, how dead I started to feel inside. Those small (ha!) feelings were nothing compared to the hurt, pain, anger, resentment, and sometimes despair I felt dealing with those people. That's what I reminded myself in those dark moments. It's what I remind myself now that I find myself stuck in a rut now.

Because apparently I missed a lesson somewhere along the line. I missed how to cultivate healthy relationships. I missed how to make good friends that may one day develop into healthy happy family. I missed how to be in the world (not of it). I used to know that last one a loooong time ago in the distant misty time past I knew how to be in the world but not of it. I don't feel in the world now or of it and I can't decide whether that is an improvement or not.

I saw a Shooting Star yesterday. I made a wish spontaneously. Felt absolutely awe-some about it (the star not the wish). Shared the sighting with a family member and that person asked if I had wished for a specific horrible thing not happen to HIM. Corruption! Then another person joined in asking if it wasn't a falling satellite ("that hit you in the head" hahaha) or passing plane or etc blah blah. I refused to be drawn into such talk. I girded my loins against the emotional and spiritual attack. But there's a lesson here... A lesson I thought I had learned more than once. A lesson that doesn't distract from the positive relationship building but enables it. Must choose. Again.

Ah, these positive thoughts and feelings seem to flow like sand through fingers. . . Must unclench.